Insert Headsmack

(from Feb 2014)
My nephew just moved back from out of state. He brought his wife over tonight to meet all of us. He was introducing my daughters and said, "And this one here is H------."
His wife smiled and held out her bag of candy. "Gummy Worm?" she asked.
H: "No, it's H-----."

Leave A Message

(from Dec 2013)
Went Christmas shopping tonight. Heading home, my mom's cell phone rang. It was my youngest daughter. She said they couldn't find the cordless phone when it rang, so they missed a phone call. She asked if it was me who had called.
gramma: No, your mom is driving and hasn't called anyone.
K: Well whoever called, it sounded just like mom.
gramma: What did they say?
K: They said "Leave a message." Nothing else.
gramma: Well that was your mom's voice.
K: So she did call?
gramma: No, it was a recording.
K: Why would someone send a recording? Why wouldn't they just talk?
gramma: Your mom did it when she set up the answering machine.
K: But you said she didn't call.
gramma: (flabbergasted) We'll be home in five minutes.

Got Bacon?

(from March 2013)
On for just a few, kids just left with their dad for a few days. This morning he had an early appointment nearby, so he came by as I was getting ready for work to get the kids off to school. 

When I was on break at work I read the text about their morning.

After getting them out of bed and making sure they were dressed, he made them bacon with their breakfast at their request. After finishing most of her breakfast, they saw the bus drive by without stopping. My youngest ran out the door chasing down the bus and screaming at the driver. "Come back! Come back!" It kept going. She kept chasing the bus down the street. Our teenager an after her. "Come back! Come back!"  Their dad is a disabled sandbox war vet and can't run. He likes to wear 2 thick robes (yes at the same time) on cold mornings, even though he is dressed, because they are warm. So he was standing in my yard, wearing 2 robes, holding a spatula in each hand, yelling at them to "Come back! Come back!". Got back to the house ... and the dog was scarfing down the last of their bacon from the table.

I'm glad my morning was a bit less eventful.

Dogs and Salesmen

(from January 2013)

A young man came to my door. When I answered, my german shepherd squeezed between me and the door frame, and walked out the door. The guy quickly backed off the porch and into my yard as the dog slowly approached him. He did not bark, growl, lunge, or anything else that I would consider aggressive. He is just scary looking I guess. I pulled the dog bak into the house and went back out to see what the guy wanted. Turns out he was a salesman. Of home security systems. I just smiled and said "no thanks, I don't need another one right now"

Wet 4th of July

(from July 2012)
A few years ago I was taking pictures of the 4th of July parade. It began to rain, and I was trying to keep my camera dry. An older man beside me commented that my camera might get wet. I told him that my husband was fighting in Afghanistan, and if I took cover under a tree I couldn't see as well to take pictures for him. He held his umbrella over my camera and me while he got wet. Though we are no longer married, I will always remember that 4th of July.

AH ... Where's My Eyebrow?

(from 2012)
I tell and tell my kids to stay out of my things. Tonight my 12 year old and her friend were doing make overs and got into one of my bags. She picked up what looked like an eyebrow comb (to her) and proceeded to comb her eyebrow.

"AH! Where's my eyebrow? MOM!"

It wasn't an eyebrow comb. It was a mini shaver for the bikini line.

Her eyebrow is pretty much gone. Crap. Well, at least it's spring break and she has a week before school starts. I'm thinking of skipping the lecture about getting into my things...

Santa Can't Skate

(from October 2011)
I went to an all night Halloween skate with my teenager "H" tonight. For my costume, I dug out my Santa Clause costume. I found out that I can no longer roller skate. It's been years since that rink was my haunt. I used to roller skate pretty well. Now I am either hanging onto the walls, or on the floor.
My teen "H" asked me "Don't you know how to stop?"
Excuse me. But I DID stop. When my butt hit the floor.
"Don't worry, Mom. Nobody saw it."
Uhuh. I'm in a Santa Suit. Teenagers keep telling me what they want for Christmas. I'm sure they didn't see it.

One zombie kid saw me lift my beard to drink soda and yelled, "look, Santa is a fraud."
Ya, as if zombies are real.

Beloved Gnome Lady Passed Away

(from 2011)

I am sorry to say the beloved Gnome Lady has passed away. She went from healthy (besides dementia) to very ill overnight. Within 2 days she was gone. I know someone who works at the nursing facility that she called home. I came to look forward to the stories about her. Gnome Lady liked to look out the window & back doors into the garden. She spoke to the gnomes often, thinking they were children. My favorite (that I have blogged before)...

"There's those kids again with the blue socks, playing in the rain. Are you cold? I said, Are you cold? Ah hell, you never answer me. That's just rude. Get off my lawn!"

Creedence Clearwater Revival sings a song that reminds me of her each time I hear it, "Looking Out My Back Door." When they get to the part "Look at all the happy creatures dancing on the lawn..." it reminds me of her and the gnomes.

Although I never met the woman, I will always remember her with a smile. Unless, of coarse, I someday start talking to garden gnomes myself. Hopefully, that is a long way off.

Kitty's Nightly Visit

(from 2011)

I was sitting on my porch with daughters "B" and "K" when the neighbor's kitty stopped by for her nightly visit. As kitty purred on "B"s lap, "K" said, "I love kitties. I love ALL kitties. Except for the ones what go <insert loud hissing sound>"

Benedryl cream works wonders when you're allergic to cats and find yourself with nearly a dozen puncture marks on your lap.

Green Eyed Monster

(from 2011)
My 6 year old daughter "K" recently took her friend to Sunday School with her. "K" introduced her friend to the little boy she has a crush on.  They all got along great until it was time to leave. The little boy kissed "K" goodbye on the cheek (which he isn't supposed to do) and to "K"s horror he then kissed her friend on the cheek goodbye.

"K" turned 6 shades of green, turned to her now-not-so-best friend and said, "Marry him, and you'll have a one-eyed baby."

Gotta luv her.

Bear of a Trip

(from 2011)
While on vacation, I found a spare minute to log into Facebook. My oldest daughter's post began with something like "My mom is going to have a heart attack when she reads this, but guess what I did today..."
She and her boyfriend went on a road trip to Cold Water Lake at Mt. St. Helens to take pictures (on an iPad). While standing on a dock, she heard noises that she had only heard on National Geographic featuring bears. They decided it was a good time to get back into the car and leave. Down the road, she checked her pictures and was surprised to find a bear approximately 30 feet from her across the water.
My brain stopped functioning properly for a minute after reading that.

Strongest Snow Dog

(from 2011)
Today our almost-6-year-old daughter told our 7-8 month old german shepherd puppy, "Ok, Harley. Let's see who's the strongest snow dog of them all."
After a very short scuffle and an *oof* ...
*cough cough* "Somebody ... help ... heavy dog off"
"K" was lying face down, flat on the floor. Harley was sitting on her back with his front paws on her shoulders. I'm guessing he won.

Love the Gnome Lady

(from 2011)

Someone I know works at a nursing home in the dementia unit. Several of the residents/patients enjoy gazing out the windows at the courtyard. One old lady often talks to the garden gnomes.

"There's those kids again with the blue socks, playing in the rain." *calling out the window* "Are you cold?" *louder* "I said, are you cold? Aw, hell, you never answer me. That's just rude. Get out of my yard. Get off my lawn!"

Gotta love her.