Insert Headsmack

(from Feb 2014)
My nephew just moved back from out of state. He brought his wife over tonight to meet all of us. He was introducing my daughters and said, "And this one here is H------."
His wife smiled and held out her bag of candy. "Gummy Worm?" she asked.
H: "No, it's H-----."

Leave A Message

(from Dec 2013)
Went Christmas shopping tonight. Heading home, my mom's cell phone rang. It was my youngest daughter. She said they couldn't find the cordless phone when it rang, so they missed a phone call. She asked if it was me who had called.
gramma: No, your mom is driving and hasn't called anyone.
K: Well whoever called, it sounded just like mom.
gramma: What did they say?
K: They said "Leave a message." Nothing else.
gramma: Well that was your mom's voice.
K: So she did call?
gramma: No, it was a recording.
K: Why would someone send a recording? Why wouldn't they just talk?
gramma: Your mom did it when she set up the answering machine.
K: But you said she didn't call.
gramma: (flabbergasted) We'll be home in five minutes.

Got Bacon?

(from March 2013)
On for just a few, kids just left with their dad for a few days. This morning he had an early appointment nearby, so he came by as I was getting ready for work to get the kids off to school. 

When I was on break at work I read the text about their morning.

After getting them out of bed and making sure they were dressed, he made them bacon with their breakfast at their request. After finishing most of her breakfast, they saw the bus drive by without stopping. My youngest ran out the door chasing down the bus and screaming at the driver. "Come back! Come back!" It kept going. She kept chasing the bus down the street. Our teenager an after her. "Come back! Come back!"  Their dad is a disabled sandbox war vet and can't run. He likes to wear 2 thick robes (yes at the same time) on cold mornings, even though he is dressed, because they are warm. So he was standing in my yard, wearing 2 robes, holding a spatula in each hand, yelling at them to "Come back! Come back!". Got back to the house ... and the dog was scarfing down the last of their bacon from the table.

I'm glad my morning was a bit less eventful.

Dogs and Salesmen

(from January 2013)

A young man came to my door. When I answered, my german shepherd squeezed between me and the door frame, and walked out the door. The guy quickly backed off the porch and into my yard as the dog slowly approached him. He did not bark, growl, lunge, or anything else that I would consider aggressive. He is just scary looking I guess. I pulled the dog bak into the house and went back out to see what the guy wanted. Turns out he was a salesman. Of home security systems. I just smiled and said "no thanks, I don't need another one right now"

Wet 4th of July

(from July 2012)
A few years ago I was taking pictures of the 4th of July parade. It began to rain, and I was trying to keep my camera dry. An older man beside me commented that my camera might get wet. I told him that my husband was fighting in Afghanistan, and if I took cover under a tree I couldn't see as well to take pictures for him. He held his umbrella over my camera and me while he got wet. Though we are no longer married, I will always remember that 4th of July.

AH ... Where's My Eyebrow?

(from 2012)
I tell and tell my kids to stay out of my things. Tonight my 12 year old and her friend were doing make overs and got into one of my bags. She picked up what looked like an eyebrow comb (to her) and proceeded to comb her eyebrow.

"AH! Where's my eyebrow? MOM!"

It wasn't an eyebrow comb. It was a mini shaver for the bikini line.

Her eyebrow is pretty much gone. Crap. Well, at least it's spring break and she has a week before school starts. I'm thinking of skipping the lecture about getting into my things...

Santa Can't Skate

(from October 2011)
I went to an all night Halloween skate with my teenager "H" tonight. For my costume, I dug out my Santa Clause costume. I found out that I can no longer roller skate. It's been years since that rink was my haunt. I used to roller skate pretty well. Now I am either hanging onto the walls, or on the floor.
My teen "H" asked me "Don't you know how to stop?"
Excuse me. But I DID stop. When my butt hit the floor.
"Don't worry, Mom. Nobody saw it."
Uhuh. I'm in a Santa Suit. Teenagers keep telling me what they want for Christmas. I'm sure they didn't see it.

One zombie kid saw me lift my beard to drink soda and yelled, "look, Santa is a fraud."
Ya, as if zombies are real.

Beloved Gnome Lady Passed Away

(from 2011)

I am sorry to say the beloved Gnome Lady has passed away. She went from healthy (besides dementia) to very ill overnight. Within 2 days she was gone. I know someone who works at the nursing facility that she called home. I came to look forward to the stories about her. Gnome Lady liked to look out the window & back doors into the garden. She spoke to the gnomes often, thinking they were children. My favorite (that I have blogged before)...

"There's those kids again with the blue socks, playing in the rain. Are you cold? I said, Are you cold? Ah hell, you never answer me. That's just rude. Get off my lawn!"

Creedence Clearwater Revival sings a song that reminds me of her each time I hear it, "Looking Out My Back Door." When they get to the part "Look at all the happy creatures dancing on the lawn..." it reminds me of her and the gnomes.

Although I never met the woman, I will always remember her with a smile. Unless, of coarse, I someday start talking to garden gnomes myself. Hopefully, that is a long way off.

Kitty's Nightly Visit

(from 2011)

I was sitting on my porch with daughters "B" and "K" when the neighbor's kitty stopped by for her nightly visit. As kitty purred on "B"s lap, "K" said, "I love kitties. I love ALL kitties. Except for the ones what go <insert loud hissing sound>"

Benedryl cream works wonders when you're allergic to cats and find yourself with nearly a dozen puncture marks on your lap.

Green Eyed Monster

(from 2011)
My 6 year old daughter "K" recently took her friend to Sunday School with her. "K" introduced her friend to the little boy she has a crush on.  They all got along great until it was time to leave. The little boy kissed "K" goodbye on the cheek (which he isn't supposed to do) and to "K"s horror he then kissed her friend on the cheek goodbye.

"K" turned 6 shades of green, turned to her now-not-so-best friend and said, "Marry him, and you'll have a one-eyed baby."

Gotta luv her.

Bear of a Trip

(from 2011)
While on vacation, I found a spare minute to log into Facebook. My oldest daughter's post began with something like "My mom is going to have a heart attack when she reads this, but guess what I did today..."
She and her boyfriend went on a road trip to Cold Water Lake at Mt. St. Helens to take pictures (on an iPad). While standing on a dock, she heard noises that she had only heard on National Geographic featuring bears. They decided it was a good time to get back into the car and leave. Down the road, she checked her pictures and was surprised to find a bear approximately 30 feet from her across the water.
My brain stopped functioning properly for a minute after reading that.

Strongest Snow Dog

(from 2011)
Today our almost-6-year-old daughter told our 7-8 month old german shepherd puppy, "Ok, Harley. Let's see who's the strongest snow dog of them all."
After a very short scuffle and an *oof* ...
*cough cough* "Somebody ... help ... heavy dog off"
"K" was lying face down, flat on the floor. Harley was sitting on her back with his front paws on her shoulders. I'm guessing he won.

Love the Gnome Lady

(from 2011)

Someone I know works at a nursing home in the dementia unit. Several of the residents/patients enjoy gazing out the windows at the courtyard. One old lady often talks to the garden gnomes.

"There's those kids again with the blue socks, playing in the rain." *calling out the window* "Are you cold?" *louder* "I said, are you cold? Aw, hell, you never answer me. That's just rude. Get out of my yard. Get off my lawn!"

Gotta love her.

Boogieman Under the Bed

The girls were hopping all over me and my bed this morning when it was time to wake up. Actually, it was when they decided it was time to wake up. Back and forth they sparred with each other, over the top of me. "B" did something to greatly agitate preschooler "H", though I didn't see exactly what, then "B" hit the floor and disappeared under my bed while laughing histarically. "H" lept from my bed, and made a mad dash to her bedroom. Armed with a noisy electric toothbrush, "H" reappeared in my doorway like the Terminator. With a warrior's cry, she dove under my bed after "B" with weapon in hand. I heard them both hollering and bumping under my bed for a few moments, and I wondered just where "H" was trying to put that toothbrush. With a cry of momentay defeat, "H" retreated, scrambling back onto my bed. ""B" got my toothbrush! Go get it now!" she demanded as she gave me a might shove. Before I knew what hit me, I was airborne and grabbing for the headboard, the sheets, anything to keep my butt from landing on the hardwood floor. The hairbrush on my dresser proved to be a useful tool as I chased "H" out of the room (several times) and went to work on disarming "B". I attacked, jabbing the brush under the bed again and again. Shoes, slippers I'd forgotten I owned, and a bouncy ball that I didn't remember were hurled back out at me. All the while, the evil "B" laughed her defiant laugh. The action finally ended when Miss Boogieman under my bed ran out of ammunition and decided to surrender. 

Out My Back Door

I've got a pile of sticks outside my door. Some are as thick as my arm, and one is twice my height. Since the flood waters receded, Shadow has been bringing sticks up to the house every time I call him to come in. He has this idea that he should be able to bring them into my house and shred them into the carpet.  I am not always successful, but I sure try to confiscate them when they are on their way into the house. Usually I catch him. But I've picked splinters out of my bare feet when he sneaked small ones past me. I've got quite the collection now, and keep meaning to ask mom if she needs them for kindling for her fireplace. Heck, some of them can be used as logs. Maybe I should start my own business, selling firewood. 

"Remove the beak."

That's what the recipe said to do. Right after "Remove the head." Remove the head, and then remove the beak? If you remove the head, have you not already removed the beak? Does an octopus even have a beak? I double checked the recipe title to see if we were both talking about cooking baby octupus. Yep, that was the right recipe. I studied the little octapus in my hand and reread the recipe. I determined the head had been removed before I bought it in the deli. I did find what looked like a tiny bird claw and decided that was probably the beak. Well, I finally got a pile of those little suckers cleaned, and fried them in a hot pan. I wondered how I would I know when it was done. As it cooked, the normally slimy-looking legs became bit curled and stiff. Have you ever fogged your house and then come home to a few huge dead spiders on your floor with their legs curled under? I have, and that is what my dinner was now resembling. And when they were piled onto a plate of fried rice, they made the rice look a little like maggots. Summing up my bravery, I took a very tentative taste. The things were delicious! I'll admit I did have to close my eyes to finish, but what a wonderful meal! 

Let It Snow

We're snowed in. Even if I could get the vehicles out of the driveway, the roads are no better than our driveway. Dad walked the 2 blocks to my house to take my golden retriever for a walk around the neighborhood with his lab. The dogs enjoyed romping around, playing in the snow. Down the street, a young guy was pulling his 18 month old son on a plastic sled. The little boy was obviously enjoying the ride. Dad got a bright idea and told him that we could give him a real treat by hooking the sled up to one of our dogs. The guy thought for a moment and said, "well, I've got my own dog, thanks for the idea.... "

LOL...

Dad continued his walk with the dogs around the neighborhood. A few minutes later, he spotted the kid on the sled again. The sled was now being pulled by their big dog about a block away. The toddler was having fun being pulled at a leisurely 2-3mph. Their dog took one look at our dogs, and decided to be neighborly and run over to say hello. I guess flying down the road was a bit much for the kid, and he hollered a bit as he hung on for dear life. I think he might have been tied to the sled to have not fallen off. His dad couldn't keep up with him as he ran a few feet, then a few yards, then a few miles, behind the dog/kid/sled. Good thing the baby's mama wasn't watching...his dad would have been in so much trouble.

Frisky Cats at Night

"Now I understand." That's what I told Brooke this morning.

Tinkerbell had her kitten Cricket 6 weeks ago, and they have been staying "B"s bedroom when the dogs are in the house. Lately, she has been complaining that she cannot sleep at night because the kitten keeps her awake.

Dad went home when I came home from work last night. I found my bed full of slumbering bodies again. Not an inch did they leave me. Too tired to fight my way in, I crawled into "B"s empty bed instead. It's a smaller bed than mine, but it is cooler in her room. I lay sprawled out, appreciating an entire bed to myself, enjoying the cool breeze on the hot night. I awoke in the middle of the night with Tinkerbell and Cricket both laying on my chest. Neither one are very heavy, but it was uncomfortable. I shooed them to the bottom of the bed and drifted back to sleep. I awoke with a shock when Cricket began chewing on my fingers. After giving her a good scolding, I plucked her off the bed and dropped her onto the floor. I heard the pitter patter of her little paws run across the room. All was quiet, and I fell asleep again. I hollered later in the night when Cricket sank her tiny teeth into my chin. Danged cat! I was a little less polite this time as I helped her to the floor. I was almost asleep again when she chomped down on my bare toes. "Enough!" I hollered right before she hit the floor running.

All night was like that. Every time I got to sleep, or almost, she'd pounce me. My toes, my fingers, my face, my hair.

I think she will be relocating to the bathroom soon, at least at night. Must remember to move the toilet paper.

George of the Jungle

I was in the living room when I heard a loud, single BANG! on my front door. At first I was startled, but the dogs were not alarmed. They still lay sprawled out on the floor claiming a coffee break. By the kitchen door, my 3-4 year old "H" was singing.

"George, George, George of the Jungle

Strong as he can be

Watch out for that..."

Then she grabbed the dog leash that was hung on a sturdy hook by the door. Placing her foot into the handle loop of the leash to use as a stirrup, she yelled "TREEEEEEE!" as she swung through the air with the greatest of ease and into the door. 

Controlling VCR

We were watching tv at my parents' house when their friend Tom stopped by to watch a movie with us. He was having a bit of trouble taming the vcr. He popped the tape in, hit play, and it stopped after playing only a few seconds.  He hit play a second time, and again it stopped after only a few seconds. He tried fast forwarding it a bit through the bad spot, hit play...and it finally worked. He backed slowly away from the vcr and sat down in his chair to watch the show. But the danged vcr wasn't finished. It stopped playing, rewound, stopped, ejected the tape, and the power turned off! He sat there scratching his head figuring out what to try next. I would have messed with him all day, but when I could no longer contain my laughter he turned and saw the vcr's remote control in my hand.

Snoring Monster

I just got back from a 3 day vacation a couple of days ago after visiting my gone-with-the-army husband. Then I had a surprise when I got home last night. My mom said she was helping my 3 year old clean her room when she heard a noise coming from a dresser in my room. Expecting to find a mouse or a rat in my dresser drawer, she sent my dad up to investigate. He was as surprised as anyone when he opened the drawer and found our cat laying in my clothes...snuggled up with a single week-old baby kitten. Good thing that drawer was full of old clothes that I was getting rid of anyway.

Last night my toddler "H" was sleeping in my room because she didn't feel well. We both have colds. She was a little congested and snoring, which made a weird but amusing sound. The cat kept growling and howling at something. I could hardly sleep with all the noise they were making. I realized she was growling at the noise the toddler was making. I picked her up and showed her the noise was just my baby, not a monster after her baby. After that, she calmed down and went to sleep with her little one. After another dose of cold medicine, I finally got to sleep, too.

Blue Blonde

"B" got a new hair color today. She has been bugging me to dye her hair red ever since I colored mine a light red this spring. I told her she'd have to wait til summer. Why she'd want to go from her pretty blonde to red, I don't know. I finally picked one up at the store that washes out in 24 shampoos, and colored her hair today. She emerged from the bathroom a new woman with a medium shiny red/copper hair. She loves it. "H" (almost 4) noticed the new color when she was sitting on the couch with her.

"H" looked her over curiously and asked her, "Is that your hair real?"

"Yes."

"H" asked "Can I touch it?"

 "Yes."

"H" ran her hand through her red locks and whispered, "wow!"

Then she asked, "B"?

"Yes"

"What did you do with all the yellow hair?"

"B" thought she'd be a smart aleck and said, "I threw it away."

"H" jumped off the couch and headed into the bathroom. For a minute I thought she had to potty, but less than a minute later she asked, "All right, "B", where'd ya put it?!"

Aaaaaant...Kellllly

I was up in Washington last week visiting at my brother-in-law's house. My toddler/preschooler speaks rather quickly and it is sometimes hard to understand what she says. She asked her grandpa, "Does aunt Kelly live here too?"

Grandpa didn't quite catch what she said, and replied,"Pardon?"

"Does aunt Kelly live here too?"

"Either you're not saying it loud enough or clear enough." Grandpa bent down to hear her better.

Hailey very patiently and very slowly said,"Duuuuuz...Aaaaaant...Kellllly...liiiiive...heeeeere...toooo?"

Entrails Details

I used to work at a grocery store that had a pizza parlor inside. One night, an old lady came through my line. While I rang up her groceries and her husband bagged them, she chatted with me. She described to me in great detail her ongoing battle with constipation. Some very colorful adjectives, and the lady knows her nouns. And OH! What nouns they were! I don't even want to remember the verbs. After my initial 'deer in the headlights' reaction, I screwed on a smile and tried to be as polite as I could. I mean, what else can you do?